So this will be the FIRST in a series of…

Daily Blog Visitor: Yeah right, bozo! You update your blog once every year. I doubt you’ll live up to your promises!

Ritesh: You’re right. I shouldn’t even try.

Daily Blog Visitor: No! I was being foolish! Please come back! *sob*

Ritesh: Okay, okay. Stop crying.

Anyway… the way Riteshipes work is that I present the recipe almost like a stream-of-consciousness. This will make it difficult to replicate the recipe, but it does make it more fun — for me! So without further ado, here is the first vegan Riteshipe.

Tofu Panang Curry with Basmati Rice

• Get some rice, Basmati is best. None of the Texmati stuff. Go to an Indian store and get the real stuff. Oh, and don’t get organic. With Indian rice it doesn’t really matter.
• If you’re lucky enough to have a rice cooker, use it. If you don’t have one, google “how to make stovetop rice”. If you don’t have an Internet connection, that’s fine because you’re not reading this.
• While the rice is cooking, the block of tofu should have defrosted by now. Whoa whoa, you did freeze some tofu and defrost it, right? You didn’t? Bahh, throw away the rice and we’ll start again tomorrow.
• Okay, it’s a new day. Make the rice. You should know how to do this now.

Tip: So you may ask why did the tofu have to be frozen? Because once it defrosts, it makes the tofu spongy and gives it a texture many people prefer.

• Now add 4 thimble-size drops of peanut oil to a wok on medium-high heat. If you don’t have peanut oil, go to the store and buy it. There ain’t no room for canola oil in this recipe!
• Cut up some red Thai chili peppers.

Tip: Test the spice-level by rubbing your eyes after cutting the peppers. If you feel enough pain that you want to kill yourself, you’ve got some good peppers.

• Add the peppers into the oil and let the aroma hit your face.
• Now add more peppers. You do like spice, right?
• Take the defrosted tofu, cut into cubes (or small heart-shapes if you prefer), and place in the wok for a few seconds to make it slightly crispy.
• Now add less organic coconut milk than you think you need. Now panic because you added too much. Now throw it all away and start at the beginning.

Tip: I like organic coconut milk because it tastes better, or maybe I’m just a snob.

• Now add a lot of Panang curry paste. I used Taste of Thai. Stir the wok!
• Now add a bit more curry paste.
• Mix it all up.
• If you have some random vegetables, slightly steam them and throw ‘em into the wok.
• Add a dollop of soy sauce.
• Once it’s done cooking and removed from heat, cut up some onions and put it on top.
• Now put it over rice and garnish with fresh basil (if you have it).
• You’re done.

I made this dish several days ago, and because I cook with random ingredients, I’m probably forgetting a very important step. If some poor bastard is actually going to follow my Riteshipe, please write me a comment so I can attend the funeral.

So where is this going? Many years ago (high school), I had written some paragraphs about what I believed. Although today I’m critical of the colorful metaphors, the underlying message and belief in what I wrote is probably worthwhile. So without further ado, here is an excerpt:

There are no gods; there is no heaven with endless delights, nor hell with hideous terrors; there is no everlasting punishment or reward. As a single drop of water sinks into an endless sea, no matter the droplet’s journey, its wanderings or paths, it returns without prohibition, angst, or trial. The droplet in an instant becomes magnitudes larger and greater than can be imagined: it is no longer a droplet but part of a mighty sea whose path is carved into the stony shore.

If the droplet had not been in its purist form, if it had been dirtied and polluted by its worldly travels, this is all dross. The droplet’s water is the energy and spirituality; the teardrop form is the superficiality of substance; and the impurities are the trappings of mortality. All of these are shed upon entering the ageless and endless expanse of our spiritual sea.

Should Al Gore make all future trips to Europe on a sailboat? Should he ride a bike to all of his speaking engagements? How about moving his family into a tiny house?

Of course he’ll never do any of the things mentioned above, but let me say something that may scare people who know me: I don’t care that much if Al Gore is a selfish pig and has a rather portly carbon footprint. In this case, the message overshadows the man.

If grandpa lights up a cigarette whilst telling you to never start smoking because it’s a filthy habit, are you going to call him a hypocrite and light up the next day?

PS: Al Gore does try a bit. He buys carbon offset credits and plants trees.

It is believed that:

a) All true Unix nerds have a beard

and

b) All true Unix nerds talk with their mouths full

Therefore…

All (male) Unix nerds have food in their beards and are thusly named “foodbeard”.

• People generally appear to be more attractive. Their wrinkles are smoothed out, blotchy complexion becomes even and smooth, and at great distances, even rolls of fat disappear. Ultimately, living in a world filled with more beautiful people makes us all happier as a result.
• Anonymity. You can stare at someone from a distance for several minutes at a time. You don’t know if they’re staring back because the white of their eyes blend in with the iris. This gives you a great sense of (false) anonymity, and even if words such as “creep” are bandied around the school campus or the office, how can they blame you? You have a medical condition — myopia!
• Bad memory is not a problem. When people whom you don’t remember wave at you, you can easily ignore them. If they’re important enough, they will eventually find out about your poor vision and understand why you did not wave back. Also, if you’re lucky enough, your vision will be so poor that you won’t even see them wave. This point leads us into the next reason to be Pro-Myopic.
• Ignorance is bliss. Nobody wants to see roadkill in its gory detail, or notice while making an important speech that half of an audience is asleep. In a myopic world, horrible things like this don’t happen!
• Solution for Unemployment and Good for the Economy. It is a proven fact that 60% of the unemployed workforce have 20/30 or better vision. Notwithstanding this made up statistic, it’s obvious that when many people start leaving their myopia untreated, those who can see clearly at a distance will be valued for their vision. Through some sort of economic serendipity, this may actually turn into new jobs. In fact, I propose a new profession called “Spotters”. These people who have not been blessed with poor vision will describe what they see to their myopic overlords.

Detailed list of Concerns and Resolutions:

• But my vision is perfectly fine. You’d make a great spotter! BUT if for some reason you wish to move up the social pecking order, I would stress that you immediately start reading in poor lighting conditions and sit increasingly closer to the television each night.

In conclusion, I’m not saying that poor distance vision is right for everyone, but for those who are wearing glasses, contacts, or are considering Lasik/PRK, please consider for a moment the 5 major benefits to having myopia listed earlier. To be fair, you may also want to consider the one concern that I mentioned.

Happy Hunting!