Ritesh's Blaagh(!)

As some of you know, I’ve been a rather strict vegan for about half a year, and I’ve decided that it’s time to share some vegan recipes with the masses. But here’s the catch: I don’t do recipes! I just throw a bunch of stuff together, and oddly it comes out tasty most of the time.  So instead of a recipe, I will call these “Riteshipes” (a vague, asinine attempt at a recipe).

So this will be the FIRST in a series of…

Daily Blog Visitor: Yeah right, bozo! You update your blog once every year. I doubt you’ll live up to your promises!

Ritesh: You’re right. I shouldn’t even try.

Daily Blog Visitor: No! I was being foolish! Please come back! *sob*

Ritesh: Okay, okay. Stop crying.

Anyway… the way Riteshipes work is that I present the recipe almost like a stream-of-consciousness. This will make it difficult to replicate the recipe, but it does make it more fun — for me! So without further ado, here is the first vegan Riteshipe.

Tofu Panang Curry with Basmati Rice

• Get some rice, Basmati is best. None of the Texmati stuff. Go to an Indian store and get the real stuff. Oh, and don’t get organic. With Indian rice it doesn’t really matter.
• If you’re lucky enough to have a rice cooker, use it. If you don’t have one, google “how to make stovetop rice”. If you don’t have an Internet connection, that’s fine because you’re not reading this.
• While the rice is cooking, the block of tofu should have defrosted by now. Whoa whoa, you did freeze some tofu and defrost it, right? You didn’t? Bahh, throw away the rice and we’ll start again tomorrow.
• Okay, it’s a new day. Make the rice. You should know how to do this now.

Tip: So you may ask why did the tofu have to be frozen? Because once it defrosts, it makes the tofu spongy and gives it a texture many people prefer.

• Now add 4 thimble-size drops of peanut oil to a wok on medium-high heat. If you don’t have peanut oil, go to the store and buy it. There ain’t no room for canola oil in this recipe!
• Cut up some red Thai chili peppers.

Tip: Test the spice-level by rubbing your eyes after cutting the peppers. If you feel enough pain that you want to kill yourself, you’ve got some good peppers.

• Add the peppers into the oil and let the aroma hit your face.
• Now add more peppers. You do like spice, right?
• Take the defrosted tofu, cut into cubes (or small heart-shapes if you prefer), and place in the wok for a few seconds to make it slightly crispy.
• Now add less organic coconut milk than you think you need. Now panic because you added too much. Now throw it all away and start at the beginning.

Tip: I like organic coconut milk because it tastes better, or maybe I’m just a snob.

• Now add a lot of Panang curry paste. I used Taste of Thai. Stir the wok!
• Now add a bit more curry paste.
• Mix it all up.
• If you have some random vegetables, slightly steam them and throw ‘em into the wok.
• Add a dollop of soy sauce.
• Once it’s done cooking and removed from heat, cut up some onions and put it on top.
• Now put it over rice and garnish with fresh basil (if you have it).
• You’re done.

I made this dish several days ago, and because I cook with random ingredients, I’m probably forgetting a very important step. If some poor bastard is actually going to follow my Riteshipe, please write me a comment so I can attend the funeral.

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